Do you ever feel so depressed ins one content it makes you wanna die?
I did. Lots of time. You feel it right? You know how it feels, when you cannot solve this freaking problem being repeated by years.
You can break up with your lover, divorce with your spouse, part with your friends. But this blood related thingy is long lasting stuff right?
Mom was being nicer in past month becos my sis isn't here. She was staying in AUS in few months and mom maybe lonely and become so nice to me. (FYI what i mean nice is occasionally feed me food, not yelling at me, not talking bad in purpose to hurt my feeling).
But now, It's seems like my world is upside down. Honesty, every time she did it it makes me feel so helplessly depressed, like you have this disease you cannot be cured.
I already go out and live alone by myself, yet my mom asking what I get from living alone? (she means in material stuff). Which living alone it self already very hard. I might be not so lucky abt those business leading opportunities But God been good that i still survive up till now.
She never ever ever care about what I'm feeling. Not even once.
Everything must be happen according to her will.
She always talk about church and Jesus etc to me, like today. But when I go to church and i do some mistakes she said I'm a hypocrites. Which I still TRYING my best to fixing my freaking life here, man.
So i gave up lots lots of time. Like today she was like shouting and yelling and saying that I'm good for nothing. Good for nothing. Can't even bring guy (she mean bf who will leads to marriage) home. Cannot buy any houses, any cars.
All successful in life for her is only about materials, wealthiness, RICH, GLAMOROUS. Nothing eleses.
At least we are still healthy right? Can you count that as a blessing too?
I regretting so bad that I almost get brainwashed that I wanna chase all those things for all cost. In order to make her happy. In mid way I realize that's not my happiness at.
I just want a NORMAL CALM LIFE. Not demanding life. I don't need to show off to ppl about what I have. I used to be having my very own small world which make me happy, in this case is drawing.
I've lost my passion in drawings becos my mom doesn't like it so i kill my passion. To think about it its THE ONLY passion i ever had. I learn alot because of that. I learn drawing technique, I learn English and Japanese, by myself. With alot help from friends and ppl i meet.
I was a very bad tempered person when I was younger. I had no idea why one of my friend said that I'm a very cool person that maybe it will take lots of effort to make me angry. Not really. I used to be a person who hate this world so badly. I hate myself. I don't wanna live. Actually I get better when i live with my best friend and her mom.
I learn alot alot of things from them. I learn how it is to be a girl, a woman, a female, a human being . Which that kind of education I never get from my mom or family. Which is ironic.
But I'm still grateful.
My mom ever said why i never act like a girl before, and why am I so ugly.
The answer wont be finished in one sentence. I cannot attack her and saying "yeah it's all becos of you".
I think that was the path i choose.
Yeah I must knock my sense now. That I should have a grip of myself. I tired crying.
I must consciously think that EVERY THING happen to me is MY DECISIONS. I choose and taking control of it. Do not blame any situation do not blame whoever in your environment.
You can be happy. You must try to be happy. Don't let this stuff to bring you down. You can do better.
It's okay if you choosin not to go to church but you must aware that you had that decision by yourself. Not because you're in emo state and don't wanna your mom take all blame on you when she know you're going to church.
Now think about it. Do you believe in God? Ask your heart, Sherly. You will get the answer there.
Do you miss to communicate with God? Yes you do. You feel helpless and empty and emo all the time becos of that. And you keep doing shit that you shouldnt be doin, you know that?
If writing can make you feel better, do it. It's good since your blog having no one to read on it haha. Don't be loser, Sherly. You will regret it so bad when you're old. It's okay to grow up with your pace. It's okay if you feel a bit insecure about yourself. But you're a better person than this. This is what loser do to be whining about their mom. Everyone have hard time with many things. In your case it's your mom.
By writing it makes you think more. which good. You talk with ppl online too much, in some content you're wasting lots of your time while you can do alot things by doin other things.
Have a life, living it! Dont whine. Strive more. Work hard. Set your goal. Be determined, be passionatte, have a sense of belongings. Thats what all you need to do.
Talking or writing is way much easire. But you can do this. FOCUS.
Don't distracted too much.
Do what you think right, and yelling back to your mom isn't the right things to do.Yet you're too proud to say sorry now. Think more, then apologize. APOLOGIZE. Whatever it is she is still your mom and you making her sad. You cant be your sis who is pretty and smart. But dont ruin your child alike heart. Don't be stupid. Think more. Another time, when she get angry to you, DO NOT TALK BACK. You're not allowed to talk back. You get it and you can do it. You've done it before and you can do it again NOW.
